Seven principles for making family dinners work for you and your family

Does sitting down for dinner as a family really matter? Does it matter what you eat? What you talk about? How long you sit?

Study after study has shown the benefits of the family dinner, from reducing the likelihood that teens will have substance abuse problems, to accounting for higher grades and more responsible behavior. Yet in today’s fast-paced hectic world how does a mom bring the family together for a sit-down meal?

If you’re like me, you entered marriage without any meaningful training on how to be a homemaker. We ate a lot of takeout and microwave meals during my childhood, often taking them to our bedrooms to eat alone in front of the TV. Imagine how overwhelming it was for me to face pulling the family together to plan, prepare, and eat dinner in unity? Add five young children and a husband who works long hours to my inexperience and it seemed a daunting task.

It’s taken patience and practice, but I’ve made it work. And if I can do it, so can you . . . if you follow these seven simple principles: (1) make it a priority, (2) plan ahead, (3) involve the kids, (4) be fully present, (5) have meaningful conversations, (6) set the example, and (7) make it fun.

1) Make it a priority: When you make family dinner a priority you send a clear message to your children that they matter and that family unity matters. Children appreciate the routine and stability of knowing that the family—parents and children—will eat together every day. Even if only part of the family can be there due to work or other demands, move forward and stick to the routine.

2) Plan ahead: Plan your menu in advance. Simple meals are okay. Remember protein, whole grains, and lots of fruits and veggies. The healthiest foods for your family are those that are the least processed. These are usually found towards the outer walls of the grocery store. Think real potatoes rather than potatoes in a box, brown rice over Rice-A-Roni, and fresh chicken breasts over processed chicken nuggets. Frozen fruits and veggies are nutritionally equivalent to fresh. Web sites such as allrecipes.com offer loads of tried-and-true (and simple) ideas. Plan the weeks’ meals with your calendar, assigning simple or crockpot meals to busier days.

3) Involve the kids: Give each child one or two days per week to help plan the menu and let them be your special helper that day. As they get older they can take more responsibility, doing most or all of the meal preparation on their own. Most ten year olds can use the oven with good oven mitts. Most eight year olds can measure ingredients independently and wash fruit. Most five year olds can peel zucchini and dump premeasured ingredients. Most two year olds can help set the table by laying out forks, spoons, or napkins. Our family rule is we sit and eat until we’re done and then each person clears his or her own plate, putting it into the dishwasher if possible.

4) Be fully present: Set the expectation that all members of the family be at the table with the family. Electronic devices, books, and toys are not invited, and ignore the phone if it rings. The successful family dinner is not simply about eating at home at the same time, it’s about strengthening family bonds. Being fully present is crucial.

5) Have meaningful conversations: Ask the children about their favorite parts of the day. Ask them to share what they learned that day that they didn’t know before. Tell them something you learned. Share world events. Do not feel like you need to talk down to them. Use sophisticated language when appropriate, stopping to define words as necessary. You’ll stretch their minds. Recite poetry. Tell stories. Ask them all to share their favorite color, or food, or what they want to be when they grow up. Engage one another. And don’t forget to listen. Truly listen to what other family members have to say. You might learn something new or at least something new about your child or spouse.

6) Set the example: If you want your children to eat their veggies, eat yours first! If you want them to focus on you when you are speaking, focus on them when they speak, and expect other family members to do the same. If you want your children to speak with kindness and respect to each other and to you, take the lead and show them how it’s done. Though it may seem trite and too often repeated, example does speak louder than words.

7) Make it fun: Family dinner is supposed to be fun, not stressful! Be flexible, and change it up sometimes. Eat cold cereal and fruit smoothies by candlelight. Build a fort with four chairs and a fitted king or queen size sheet and eat hotdogs, bananas, and smores inside. Have a finger foods theme, or celebrate more obscure holidays, like Dr. Suess’ birthday.

The best laid plans don’t always go as planned. Sometimes the children argue through the whole meal. Sometimes the chicken gets burned. Sometimes you just run out of time and energy and the best you can do is PBJ. Don’t sweat it. Consistency matters and it will pay off. You’ll have a stronger, more unified family and the rewards will be well worth your effort.

***So we really do eat dinner as a family, but apparently I don't take pictures of it. Just pictures of outrageous desserts. :)