The Anticipation

I have to admit...I am really nervous about tomorrow.

At first I thought I was having a girl. Number Three has been convinced the baby was a girl from day one, and she has already chosen the name. In her mind, there are NO other possible alternatives.

But recently, I have begun to think this baby is a boy.

With Number One I always knew she was a girl. With Number Two, I was sure she was a boy. So sure, in fact, that when the ultrasound tech got "the shot" and said, "Well, it doesn't get any clearer than that." I was silent. I kept thinking, "But I don't see the penis...what am I missing?" It literally didn't occur to me that I could be wrong.

Finally, after an uncomfortable and long silence, the tech hesitantly said, "Congratulations on another girl." And I said, "OH! That's why I didn't see it." Brilliant moment for me.

I don't think I had feelings either way with Number Three. My confidence had been so devastated. And with Number Four, I suspected a boy.

This time, I think I have been afraid to guess. Some days I think a sixth would be in the cards for our family. But other days, I really think five might just be our number. And if it is, I feel a certain sadness in coming to the end of having these glorious little spirits who invade our home, our lives, our bank account, our patience, our personal space, our emotions, and quite frankly, our EVERYTHING, but who give me the chance to experience the divinity of motherhood.

I am clearly imperfect, but I am a mother who knows. I know that there is nothing more important that I will do in this life than to serve the Lord, honor my marriage, and raise children who know the gospel of Jesus Christ and are prepared to make the world a better place because of their influence for good.

I adore my kids. I have to admit that for me...children are addictive. Which brings me to my nervousness about tomorrow. I would love both another son AND another daughter (of course still not guaranteed even if we do have a sixth). And that might not be the Lord's will for our family. I might only get one of them. And tomorrow I find out which one.

Stay tuned!