An oldie but a goodie on how NOT to simplify...

from my previous blog.

I read a post on Segullah that reminded me of this post from months ago, so I decided to dig it up and re-post it. Reminiscing through it reminds me that I've come a long way towards actually simplifying my life.

September 19, 2007
7 Ways NOT to Simplify Your Life
1. Make sure that every minute is booked.

2. Don't plan too far ahead. You can put things on the calendar far in advance, but don't check the calendar too far ahead to tip yourself off as to what is coming.

3. Do have friends over whenever they can come, or even your sister's friends, whether you really do or don't have time. Honestly, having good company is always worth it.

4. When you do make a plan, stick with only the basic gist of it. If you or someone else you know, even only remotely (like a butcher at the store) offers a suggestion on how to embellish your plan, work it in at all costs.

5. Don't focus on one thing at a time, or you lose sight of the chaos. Try to do everything all at once.

6. Be sure to have as many little children involved as you can fit in your vehicle.

7. Don't do now what you could be doing at the last minute.

Let's take a look at how these seven principles can be put into action.

Let's say that your whole family has all been sick, but your sister's family's really good friend is coming into town on business and has something to deliver to your home. And the best time for both of you is Wednesday evening, which also happens to be ballet night, when you get home after dinnertime. Now, although you knew weeks ago that he would be coming this week, you would be sure to not have planned for such a visit, so that when the time came, it could be a surprise reminder.

Do not just give him your address, be sure to extend a dinner invitation. Honestly, the man is a really great man, and church leader where he lives, and a great friend to your sister. He would be a great dinner guest.

Plan to know what you are having for dinner the night before he comes, so you can go to the store while kids are in bed. But then don't. Don't go to the store, or decide what to have.

Instead, decide on an "easy" crockpot meal best cooked on low for 12 hours (pot roast). But don't decide this until there are 11 hours until dinner.

Be sure to "run" into Sam's Club after the morning school dropoffs, because it is such a not easy place to be quick at. Purchase a very large roast, and potatoes you don't really want. Think about buying the salad mix, but don't buy it. You can worry about that later. Listen to the butcher's instructions about how to tenderize the meat when you need to cook it more quickly. Be sure to get only vague instructions about how it really works. Spend lots of time contemplating dessert. Try some interesting cookies.

Don't look too carefully at the roast until you get to the car, so you can really be surprised by how big it is. Realize only then that it would be too big for your crockpot. Consider the possibilities as to whether you should cut it to fit, or whether you ought to buy a new crockpot. Decide to buy a new one at Target on the way home, but then change your mind and drive the other way. Change your mind again and make a u-turn.

While at Target, consider that your guest powder room really needs some hand towels, as opposed to the roll of paper towel on the towel rack. Think about decorative items that would look good on the shelves.

Study the crockpots very carefully before choosing one. Make sure you have read each box at least 3 times.

After completing your shopping at Target, realize that you no longer have time to go home before picking up your Pre-K child. Stop at Jewel for dry onion soup mix. Buy a real onion too. And some bananas. And if soda is on sale, go for that too. Don't forget the meat tenderizer and mallet thing. And buy some different potatoes that you like better

Get to Pre-K a little early. Early enough that you will need to find something productive to do. Surely you can do something in 6 minutes. Read the meat tenderizer package. When you find the suggestion that thick cuts should have the stuff on them 30 minutes before cooking, line the floor of your van with plastic bags, and smack that thing with your new mallet. While your two year old looks on with a mixture of horror and amusement, laugh like a mad woman. Laugh hard. You are doing it! You are living the unsimplified life! But wait, there's more!

Hurry the children home and get that roast in the new crockpot. Of course wash the new crockpot first. Then you might notice that the roast still won't fit very well. Get out your old crockpot. Cut the roast in half. Chop lots more potatoes. Get both crockpots going! Make everyone lunch, and start cleaning. Don't forget to Goo Gone the gum out of your dryer from the last load so you can wash the bedding that the two year-olds diaper leaked on last night.

Load the children back in the van to get the first grader. Rush home. Throw snacks at them. Keep cleaning. Help them put their tights on. Don't remember to put the bedding in the de-gummed dryer. Load for ballet. In a hurry. Confuse the time you are supposed to be there so you can arrive early. Realize when you are almost there that class doesn't start for 18 minutes.

Don't feed your baby during the first class as planned, or visit the nearby Tuesday Morning to look for bathroom decor. Be sure to just visit with another mom during that time. During the second child's class, rush through Tuesday Morning, and go to Jewel again...different Jewel...so you can buy ingredients for the salad you didn't purchase for earlier. Study every option of lettuce available before choosing one. Or two. Prewashed organic is always a good option. Buy some new salad dressing too. The goal is to leave as little time as possible at home to finish the list there.

Run home. Don't finish the cleaning first, but do set up the bathroom with the new purchases. And do some cleaning. At least take Clorox wipes over all possibly offensive surfaces, such as kitchen counters, bathroom sinks, floors, toilets. Be quick.

Run back to get the other child from ballet. Come back home and hurry around finishing.

Enjoy dinner. You do deserve it! You made a whole mountain range out of this molehill event. What a talent! What a production!

After the wonderful guest leaves, don't clean up right away. In fact, don't clean up anything yet. Check your email. IM your cousin-in-law/friend. Make a blog entry. You wouldn't want to do those dishes before the food is crusted on them, would you?

Be sure to have someone scheduled to come over first thing in the morning so everything has to be cleaned up again. Don't remember this until you are checking your email. Make a long list of things to do before bed, and start them at 10:55. Actually don't start that soon. Call your little brother first.

This, my friends, is a fabulous example of how to follow the seven effective habits of a highly unsimplified life.

Make these principles your own, and you too can exist in happy chaos forever!