How Do You Be a Good SAHM?

On a message board I post on for women due in August, a thoughtful mom asked for advice on being a successful stay at home mom. After her first child, she really struggled while staying home, was ultimately diagnosed as suffering with PPD, and she went back to work when that child was 10 months old. She wants to try staying home again starting this summer, and wanted some tips on how to make it work. I thought a lot about this question. I admire this mom for wanting to do what she thinks in theory is best for her kids, but what hasn't yet worked for her in practice. Do you have any tips for her?

Enjoy a couple of encouraging pictures depicting the glory of motherhood that I didn't choose to share with her:


When I had my first baby, we had the fancy schmancy Diaper Genie with the expensive refills. When I had my second, we got the Diaper Champ, which used regular garbage bags. With the third and fourth? On days I haven't been feeling well or have been too busy, we have a pile on the tile waiting to be tied into a used plastic grocery sack and tossed into the trash in the garage. And yes, I know that it's gross.


About last November while at the store, I happened to notice that Calgon was on sale. Now, I have NEVER before purchased Calgon, or tried it, but the whole "Calgon take me away" slogan just won me over at that moment, and I made the impulse purchase.


Unfortuneately, though I can now say that I have purchased Calgon, I still have not been able to try it, though it did seem to leave my bathroom sparkling clean!

And now that the picture fun is over...I am including my response to this mother below:

First of all...I applaud your efforts at being a mom, and in your desire to stay home, even though last time it didn't work as planned.

I think you have gotten lots of great advice already. Some of my advice would be the same as heard before, some additional. Hope it isn't too long, and that you find it helpful.

1. Take a shower every day, no matter what. Even if you can't take one until nighttime. Even if you haven't planned anywhere to go that day. Take a shower. Get dressed everyday in clothes you would be willing to wear to go somewhere. Can be casual, but not scrub type clothes. That will help you feel like a normal person on days when you feel like you are a lactating, nose-wiping, dishwashing, toy-playing laundry maid.

2. Check out flylady.net. She does send a lot of emails, so be prepared for that, but she has great tips on how to live your life with routines that help keep everything together. Like do your dishes, shine your sink, check your calendar, and lay out your clothes every night before bed. Be sure to find the beginning babysteps section so you don't get overwhelmed trying to learn her ideas all at once. It takes time to develop these kinds of good habits (I am still learning for sure!), but it does help a lot.

3. Be patient with yourself. You become a mother the day you give birth...sort of. It is really a role you grow into and become better at over time. You have never been a mother of two kids before. You are learning. Give yourself a break if you can't do it the way you want to right away. Just do your best and give yourself time to learn. Honestly, I can keep my home running more smoothly now with four kids than I did with one or two. I am more up on the laundry, even though there is more of it. And I still read to and played with my kids today. But, I have been doing this motherhood thing for almost 7.5 years. I would expect to be better at it now than I used to be.

4. Now that you know the signs of PPD, be watchful, and seek help if necessary. You may or may not have a repeat of last time, but just be prepared.

5. As others have said, find activities to do. Playgroups, classes (we have loved Kindermusik as well as mom and tot gymnastics classes), library reading time, hanging out at the pool or zoo...whatever works for you. When I had just two, I belonged to a local gym with child care where they loved to play. I could work out and feel better, and they had a blast.

6. Find something for you each week...make time for it. Maybe you can trade baby-sitting with another mom. Maybe you take a class at the community college, or an exercise class while your husband is with the kids. Be in a book group. It doesn't matter as much what it is, just that you do something for you

7. Have a date night every week, so you don't just feel like the mom, but you get a chance to be the wife too. Maybe you trade baby-sitting or hire a sitter. Maybe you watch a movie, play games, make a nice meal together, or play the wii or whatever when the kids are in bed. Maybe you get up extra early and enjoy breakfast on the patio together. It doesn't matter what it is...just so long as it is kid-free.

8. Exercise as regularly as possible...even just taking the kids out for a walk when the weather is nice, or doing an exercise video at home. Exercise really aids depression feelings, as natural feel-good chemicals are released in the brain. Plus, you are setting a good example for your kids, and it sure helps a post-partum body!

9. Look into babywearing options. I love the pouch style sling for tiny babies (see http://www.coastalsling.com/V3/). I have also loved the babyhawk mei tai (also sold at coastalsling) and the ergo (http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/) I use the ergo all the time now. These are especially helpful for doing chores around the house or playing with the toddler while making the baby feel that you are still holding them, grocery shopping (so the infant carrier doesn't take up the whole cart and you actually have room to purchase groceries) and also for being out and about. I could never have done the mom and tot gymnastics class with my 3rd if I hadn't had use of these carriers for my fourth. There is TONS of great info on thebabywearer.com as well as a for sale or trade forum where you can get great deals on used carriers. (Also easy to resell those carriers if you find you got one you didn't like so much).

10. Find a way to talk to adults everyday...whether at the park, on the phone, or with the husband. Conversation with complex sentence structure is good for the SAHM mind.

11. Try to have some semblance of schedule, but know that it will probably adjust slightly every few weeks as your kids hit different stages.

12. Finally, take all the advice with a grain of salt...everyone gives advice based on their own life experience. Your experience may or may not match that.

Sorry that was SOOO long!

I admire how thoughtful you are being about the process, and I think your preparation will really help you to find the success you are looking for.

Best of luck to you.

How fast do you type?

Okay, so I don't usually click on the links my friend's have on their blogs about how well you can do something, but this time I did.

First score:

113 words

Speedtest

And a second try produced:

114 words

Speed test

And with a final third try I achieved position 667 of 176994 on the ranking list:

121 words

Speedtest

It sure makes one minute seem long! Hopefully my 8th grade keyboarding teacher would be proud. I know my grandma always told us we should know how to type...I don't think she had any idea how much more people in my generation actually WOULD type than in hers.

Be sure to let me know how you do. Happy typing!

My Pre-Pre-Teen

So yesterday we stayed to play at Number One's playground for quite a while. We are just SO happy that the weather is nice again.

Number One kept chasing, and getting chased by, a few boys. One of these boys, B, has had a crush on her for some time. He is in her class, and is always happy even to just say hi to ME. Anyway, B's friend T was pressuring him, along with a couple of other boys, to KISS my Number One...chanting, and the like.

Hello, first grade?!?

Number Two was the perfect sidekick for Number One after her other girlfriends had gone home. She even asked, "Exactly what is it that you want with my sister?" in her most perfectly attitude-filled voice. Number Three had a great time joining it too, particularly with the running around part.

I intervened. I walked over to the boys and told them I was Number One's mom (B and T already knew that), and that Number One wasn't allowed to kiss boys until she was 20. Period. And that they shouldn't try to pressure B anymore. One of the little boys piped up, "Can they hug then?"

"No. They can high five."

B, though he really does like Number One, looked relieved. They high fived, and ran off to play some more.

Number One is SO filled with attitude these days. And she is SO into herself. We are working on putting together a family charity fundraiser (I'll post more about it later) in the hopes that 1. we can really do some good, and 2. that our kids can be encouraged to better think outside of themselves. So far it has been a bit of a rocky start with Number One, who can't understand why she can't have part of the funds to go towards a horse for her.

Off to give Number One some attention...her love language is quality time, so maybe some mom attention will help calm the attitude. And if not, at least bedtime is only a couple of hours away...they are ALWAYS so precious when they are sleeping.

Happy Valentine's Day?!?

So looooong overdue.


At Valentine's Day, Number Two's school did the CUTEST little program. Apparently it is an annual event for the school...the Valentine's Day Tea, just for kids and their moms.

I was lucky enough to have a friend available to watch Number Three and Number Four, and I was even luckier to be placed at the front table in the center. It was all assigned seating with namecards. There were about 20 8-foot long tables in the room, four rows back of five tables each...so my seat really was special.


The children all performed cute little Valentine's Day songs (Number Two was SO fun to watch), and then came to eat with the moms.


The children had donuts and juice and the moms had cheesecake with their choice of juice, tea, or hot chocolate. I, of course, went for the hot chocolate. I even managed to eat some of the cheesecake (I don't really like cheesecake and on top of it I was still morning sick all day long, but at least the topping was really yummy! The company was definitely better.)


It was a great experience for me. Though I love having all these little children all close together, I really value the special time when I get to have just one of my amazing darlings all to myself.

MIA

Or at least I might like to be!

This has been the most brutal winter. Finally spring seems to maybe actually hopefully be here, and I just want to run away and play. Spring Fever has hit us (me) bad.

I don't want to cook or clean house or sort basement boxes or get the kids to school. I don't want to grocery shop or do any other kind of shopping...I just want to be outside playing, and hanging out at the pool. Clearly it isn't pool weather yet, but I wish it were.

This week has been a bit busier, with such extras as meeting with a wills, trusts and estates attorney (we are getting our affairs all in order), getting the van towed to the mechanic from the elementary school (it really WAS the starter this time), making Number One's FORTY PAGE SCRAPBOOK for her Star Student Week though I am not a scrapbooker (Karen...you would be so proud), making eye appointments, doctor's appointments, participating in a Primary activity, and working on refinancing student loans and our mortgage (even with great credit, you don't get the lowest rate if you buy a home 6 months before your job starts, and before you have even taken the bar exam).

So, while I wish I could report exciting things have kept me away from the blog...not so much.

I will leave you with a humorous Number One story though. Last week she missed her second spelling word of the year (10 words per week). Her teacher sends home a packet for them to do each week to practice the words, but doesn't have it sent back to school. For the first couple of weeks I made Number One do it. But you know, she always already knows the words before bringing the packet home, so even though I am a teacher by profession, I don't make her do it anymore. The two words she has missed were both due to not paying attention during the test, rather than not knowing the word.

For "who" last week, she wrote "whoi." I asked her about it, and her response was...

"Yeah, my pencil just did that and I didn't notice."

"So you knew how to spell it?"

"Yeah, but my teacher thought I put an i on the end."

"Well, I thought it might be a j."

"Our i's have tails like that."

"So your pencil just did that but you did know how to spell the word?"

"Yes."

Awesome answer...maybe she could grow up to be a really creative defense attorney.

TMA

Recently in our search for a new family vehicle (we have settled on a used 9 passenger Suburban, though I haven't found the right one yet), I have been using the edmunds.com website to find the TMV® (True Market Value®) of various Suburbans. This TMV® is supposed to reflect the actual value of the vehicle, including colors, mileage, features, location, etc.

Which got me thinking...What is my TMA (True Market Age)?

On Thursday of this week I turned 30. Yikes...I actually left my 20's, and started a new decade. On the one hand, this makes me feel really old. Now, I have friends (lots of them) who are past the 30's, and even some that are old enough to be my mother. I understand that 30 really isn't all that old. But yet it still feels kind of old.

But on the other hand, I feel like maybe it is about time I finally hit 30. I have been married for nearly 10 years and I am expecting my fifth child. I am the mom. I probably SHOULD be 30 by now. Especially seeing as how I find I am about the youngest mom at any gathering of moms at my children's schools and activies.

So what do you think my TWA really is? I asked Dave, and he said 22. Good man.

Seriously though, at my 10 year reunion almost 2 years ago I would guess that only about one third of my classmates were married. And maybe only half of those had kids. Most of the moms I associate with are probably in their mid to late 30's.

Our next door neighbors have three children, and told me they feel like they ought to help their kids (unmarried and living at home past high school, but in college, two of which have been or are about to go to law school) until around 27. By the time I turned 27 I was expecting my third child and hadn't lived at home, even just for the summer, for nearly seven years!

So what is my TMA in current society? I am thinking maybe somewhere around 38. What do you think?

However...

that isn't always the case.

And on April Fools' Day, it is definitely NOT the case.

Number Three was right all along. Even the ultrasound tech said that the little ones are always right.

I feel a little sad for Number Four living in such an estrogen filled environment. Though the possibility of a brother does still remain, it is definitely not a huge possibility.

At least for his sake, Number Three is a very physical rough and tumble little girl, who wrestles him every chance she gets, whether he likes it or not. And Dave said that he now feels an even greater responsibility to spend extra time with Number Four as he grows up. Truthfully, Number Four absolutely adores Daddy. (Good thing since they will have to stick together!)

So, we will prepare to welcome our FOURTH daughter (wow! that is a little overwhelming) into our home and into our hearts. I am sure Heavenly Father has selected another choice spirit to send to our family and we love her already.


PS And Mindy...sorry to dash your hopes about the possibility of another girl, though you never know!