How Do You Be a Good SAHM?

On a message board I post on for women due in August, a thoughtful mom asked for advice on being a successful stay at home mom. After her first child, she really struggled while staying home, was ultimately diagnosed as suffering with PPD, and she went back to work when that child was 10 months old. She wants to try staying home again starting this summer, and wanted some tips on how to make it work. I thought a lot about this question. I admire this mom for wanting to do what she thinks in theory is best for her kids, but what hasn't yet worked for her in practice. Do you have any tips for her?

Enjoy a couple of encouraging pictures depicting the glory of motherhood that I didn't choose to share with her:


When I had my first baby, we had the fancy schmancy Diaper Genie with the expensive refills. When I had my second, we got the Diaper Champ, which used regular garbage bags. With the third and fourth? On days I haven't been feeling well or have been too busy, we have a pile on the tile waiting to be tied into a used plastic grocery sack and tossed into the trash in the garage. And yes, I know that it's gross.


About last November while at the store, I happened to notice that Calgon was on sale. Now, I have NEVER before purchased Calgon, or tried it, but the whole "Calgon take me away" slogan just won me over at that moment, and I made the impulse purchase.


Unfortuneately, though I can now say that I have purchased Calgon, I still have not been able to try it, though it did seem to leave my bathroom sparkling clean!

And now that the picture fun is over...I am including my response to this mother below:

First of all...I applaud your efforts at being a mom, and in your desire to stay home, even though last time it didn't work as planned.

I think you have gotten lots of great advice already. Some of my advice would be the same as heard before, some additional. Hope it isn't too long, and that you find it helpful.

1. Take a shower every day, no matter what. Even if you can't take one until nighttime. Even if you haven't planned anywhere to go that day. Take a shower. Get dressed everyday in clothes you would be willing to wear to go somewhere. Can be casual, but not scrub type clothes. That will help you feel like a normal person on days when you feel like you are a lactating, nose-wiping, dishwashing, toy-playing laundry maid.

2. Check out flylady.net. She does send a lot of emails, so be prepared for that, but she has great tips on how to live your life with routines that help keep everything together. Like do your dishes, shine your sink, check your calendar, and lay out your clothes every night before bed. Be sure to find the beginning babysteps section so you don't get overwhelmed trying to learn her ideas all at once. It takes time to develop these kinds of good habits (I am still learning for sure!), but it does help a lot.

3. Be patient with yourself. You become a mother the day you give birth...sort of. It is really a role you grow into and become better at over time. You have never been a mother of two kids before. You are learning. Give yourself a break if you can't do it the way you want to right away. Just do your best and give yourself time to learn. Honestly, I can keep my home running more smoothly now with four kids than I did with one or two. I am more up on the laundry, even though there is more of it. And I still read to and played with my kids today. But, I have been doing this motherhood thing for almost 7.5 years. I would expect to be better at it now than I used to be.

4. Now that you know the signs of PPD, be watchful, and seek help if necessary. You may or may not have a repeat of last time, but just be prepared.

5. As others have said, find activities to do. Playgroups, classes (we have loved Kindermusik as well as mom and tot gymnastics classes), library reading time, hanging out at the pool or zoo...whatever works for you. When I had just two, I belonged to a local gym with child care where they loved to play. I could work out and feel better, and they had a blast.

6. Find something for you each week...make time for it. Maybe you can trade baby-sitting with another mom. Maybe you take a class at the community college, or an exercise class while your husband is with the kids. Be in a book group. It doesn't matter as much what it is, just that you do something for you

7. Have a date night every week, so you don't just feel like the mom, but you get a chance to be the wife too. Maybe you trade baby-sitting or hire a sitter. Maybe you watch a movie, play games, make a nice meal together, or play the wii or whatever when the kids are in bed. Maybe you get up extra early and enjoy breakfast on the patio together. It doesn't matter what it is...just so long as it is kid-free.

8. Exercise as regularly as possible...even just taking the kids out for a walk when the weather is nice, or doing an exercise video at home. Exercise really aids depression feelings, as natural feel-good chemicals are released in the brain. Plus, you are setting a good example for your kids, and it sure helps a post-partum body!

9. Look into babywearing options. I love the pouch style sling for tiny babies (see http://www.coastalsling.com/V3/). I have also loved the babyhawk mei tai (also sold at coastalsling) and the ergo (http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/) I use the ergo all the time now. These are especially helpful for doing chores around the house or playing with the toddler while making the baby feel that you are still holding them, grocery shopping (so the infant carrier doesn't take up the whole cart and you actually have room to purchase groceries) and also for being out and about. I could never have done the mom and tot gymnastics class with my 3rd if I hadn't had use of these carriers for my fourth. There is TONS of great info on thebabywearer.com as well as a for sale or trade forum where you can get great deals on used carriers. (Also easy to resell those carriers if you find you got one you didn't like so much).

10. Find a way to talk to adults everyday...whether at the park, on the phone, or with the husband. Conversation with complex sentence structure is good for the SAHM mind.

11. Try to have some semblance of schedule, but know that it will probably adjust slightly every few weeks as your kids hit different stages.

12. Finally, take all the advice with a grain of salt...everyone gives advice based on their own life experience. Your experience may or may not match that.

Sorry that was SOOO long!

I admire how thoughtful you are being about the process, and I think your preparation will really help you to find the success you are looking for.

Best of luck to you.